Being Patient with Intimacy by Zochi

Sometimes I have writer’s block – like today.  Other times, when I’m preparing a dharma talk, I feel a little like professor Irwin Corey, (if you are of a certain age, you might remember him from the Ed Sullivan show) who was recognized as the world’s foremost authority.  You might ask, “On what subject.”  Well anyway he was just the world’s foremost authority.  One of his great quotes was “if we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.”  Really, in a sense, when I give one of these talks, I do not feel like the world’s foremost authority – quite the opposite – I wonder who I am to be expounding on the dharma and I wonder where I’m going to end up.  I still feel like a beginner.

So tonight, being patient with intimacy.  I have to admit and what Jishin will confirm is that I can be very impatient.  So here I am talking not just about patience but also about intimacy.  Me, who wants it and wants it now.

I think many of us, including me, find intimacy, not just being patient with it, as difficult and intimidating.  As Reb writes, “We often have trouble bearing the intensity of intimacy.  There are hardships, like heat and cold, and illness.  There is also the difficulty of the pain we feel for others’ suffering.  Then there is the hardship of being intimate without turning away or touching.”  He goes on about the story of being with Suzuki Roshi on an airplane while Roshi was suffering much pain – for those of you who don’t know, he was dying of stomach cancer.  Reb wanted to be anywhere else.  It was hard for him to be present with Suzuki’s pain – he felt helpless because there was nothing he could do.  Except, except, that he began to understand that all he could to was to be fully present.  Now if you’re like me that is incredibly difficult, to just be present with no attachments and no expectations, just being present and available.  Particularly when I feel helpless with another’s pain.

There is another aspect to this being patient with intimacy – and that is intimacy with myself.  My infamous American Heritage dictionary defines the word intimate as pertaining to or indicative of one’s deepest nature, one’s deepest nature.  Reb writes, “Sometimes we want to get away from the center of our life because being fully present there is so intimate and intense, and we feel our vulnerability.  At the center of our life, we are not in control, and we are being adjusted for everything.”  That’s a powerful statement.  Becoming intimate with myself, what a tall order.  As they say in AA – dealing with myself with rigorous self-honesty.  That is something we do begin to experience in our zazen practice – just coming face-to-face with me.  And in my case learning that I am not the world’s foremost authority.  And yet we seem to be called to cultivate this intimacy – and it seems to me that this cultivation is in a way a continuous letting go, a letting go of my expectations, of my attachments.  I think, importantly, that this cultivation requires two things which are alluded to by Reb.  There is the very first line of Baoning Yong’s little commentary – This closeness (this intimacy?) is heartrending if you search outside.  To me this closeness or intimacy with others directly involves cultivating my own internal intimacy – to truly know and recognize myself, not necessarily looking outside for easy answers - not looking outside for the next motivational speaker or the next dharma talk from a well-known teacher.  Yet externally, Reb writes, “Whenever we realize intimacy with anyone, they become our teacher.”  As we begin to listen and to see and to be present maybe wisdom is transmitted from others, perhaps unknowingly, but still transmitted.  And no turning away.  To me that is being fully open in all circumstances – whether heartrending or lighthearted, whether there is sadness or joy, anger or laughter, or fear and frustration.  And then being fully present and fully available.  Then as Reb puts it, “intimate communion is still going on.”

Tonight, I don’t have any simple answers as to how to be patient with intimacy.  Perhaps for me it is the continuous cultivation of the brahma viharas – You know – equanimity, loving kindness, sympathetic joy, compassion and I would add courage.  To me the most important is equanimity – under both difficult and easy circumstances to learn composure, calmness, and even-temperedness.

I’ll end with one last quote from professor Corey dealing with impermanence - “It’s best to make your peace with change before it makes pieces of you.”